Ready for Prime Time

No commentator I have read or seen has yet mentioned it, but the ongoing internal drama initiated by McCain's whimsical selection of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential choice hews uncomfortably close to the scenario of the pilot episode of the 2005 series "Commander in Chief." In that intriguing but problematic show, Geena Davis played an independently spirited congresswoman who was selected on a lark by a conservative Republican presidential candidate to add youth and luster to his ticket.

One wonders if McCain had ever seen the show, but perhaps he has as little time and patience to turn on the TV as he does to try surfing the Internet. In any event, he might not like the way the pilot proceeds, as the President suffers a fatal stroke and by the first half hour is a memory, leaving Geena to lead the nation. Geena then has to cope with the harsh realities of International affairs and ruthless domestic politics despite having hardly any experience, and only her common sense to lead her. Each episode contained some political problem needing solution, as well as a domestic crisis within her telegenic brood for family consumption.

Well so far we are only five days into the Palin candidacy and we have two large plot threads to unravel. Or, as TV Guide would have put it when it actually contained descriptive listings and not just gossip items, "Governor Palin has to struggle with her acceptance speech while dealing with the revelation of her daughter's pregnancy." But there will be more. Much more, if McCain pulls his upset. And conceivably more if he loses but Palin maintains a national profile and runs for higher office in the future.

Meanwhile the future writers of the "Palin Chronicles," or whatever the dramedy about her life will be called, have a plethora of story ideas just waiting for expansion. The possibilities just leap off the page. Hunky husband is tempted by Washington flesh pots while his Sarah deals with Bristol's morning sickness. Sarah is challenged to a one-on-one game of Horse by Bill Bradley. A gusher of oil pops out of the Palin backyard and she has to decide whether to drill in her neighborhood. President Sarkozy of France visits President Palin and tries to boff her in the Oval Office on the same day that she has to speak at her son's Career Day school event.

In fact, the Palin domestic life, with five kids, one pregnant, one with Down's syndrome, starts to resemble another TV chestnut, the sentimental "Life Goes On," starring Patty Lupone. Now it doesn't take a long look at either Palin or Lupone to see that there's a perfect fit. And if Palin loses and has to return to Wasilla, then we could have "Life Goes on" meets "Northern Exposure."

In casting the lead role, if Lupone is too occupied belting out "Gypsy" numbers, or is deemed too short to be a former high school basketball star, there is always the statuesque and athletic Geena Davis, whose show was entertaining enough and, being in recent eclipse, could probably use the work. Then there's the other '"separated at birth" lookalike Tina Fey, but she's currently busier than any President. The fact is that the Governor herself is more attractive than any of the actresses who could play her, except maybe Demi Moore. As for the title of the show, "The Sarah Palin Chronicles" would be perfect, if there weren't already a show called "The Sarah Connor Chronicles," abut another feisty young mother whose purpose is to save the world.

Not since that horrifyingly spooky episode of "The Lone Gunmen" in 2001 that detailed an Arab terrorist plot to fly buildings into the World Trade Center has there been a more precise example of life imitating art. And with the irrational voting public still wavering on its presidential choice, the scenario of "Commander in Chief" has a plausible chance of coming true.

Obamarama and the Veepalicious

Bodacious! Lollapalooza! Politics have suddenly become an amazing side show, just like an expanded version of the sidebar segment on "Hardball." From Barack's Sermon Near the Mount to Sarah Palin's pregnant teen daughter, it's been a week almost entirely of style over substance and media-driven attempts at one-upsmanship.

It's not fair to say Obama's speech was insubstantial. It actually was a very fine address, and even Pat Buchanan rhapsodized over it (Keith Olbermann has yet to descend from his euphoria). I liked Obama's specificity ("95% of you will not not get higher taxes"), and his appropriately incisive appraisal of McCain ( "He just doesn't get it.") But what will be most remembered of the occasion was the Imperial setting, with the ancient column motif, and that adoring stadium crowd. The Republicans are trying to spin that into a Nuremburg rally comparison, though the words spoken differ rather radically between Obama's and Hitler's.

James Dobson, one of the more reactionary fundamentalist spokesman, had previously asked the Almighty to send torrents of rain to ruin the heretical gathering at Mile High Stadium (Mile High! Tower of Babel!) But in one of the great Cosmic ironies--one which even got Michael Moore to invoke the appreciation of God--the storm did come but just in time to upstage the Republican Convention. Hurricane Gustav is battering the Louisiana coast as I write, putting a damper (pun intended) on the opening festivities of the Republican leaders, who now have to pretend to be concerned about the displaced in Louisiana. It's actually much more an act of contrition over the Administration's massive fuck-up during the Katrina affair.

But every storm has a silver lining (jees, my metaphors are so apt today). This disaster gives Bush and Cheney an opportunity to avoid the embarrassing speeches they'd be presenting tonight. McCain certainly would prefer their status as non-persons and reminders to the public that they are the worst tandem ever to occupy the Executive branch. And the bevy of Republican senatorial candidates who already sent their regrets in order to salvage their campaigns do not have to return their plane tickets.

And then there's Governor Babe from Alaska. I have to hand it to McCain to choose a candidate whom I had actually never heard of. The surprise element is rather endearing, and the Republicans would like to show how that underscores his reputation as a maverick. Although other words one could use are "eccentric" or "lunatic." He only met her once, she has 16 months of executive experience in the nation's freezer, and no International background whatsoever. But he did find her attractive. After having to stare at Cindy's plastic face for all these years, we have McCain enacting an historical first: a Presidential candidate choosing a running mate whom he'd most like to fuck. That dirty old rascal! However you spin it, you didn't see Bill Clinton tap Paula Jones for the job. Well, at least not that job.

Of course we have to excuse McCain from any lapses of judgment regarding the potential leader of the Free World. After all, he was a Prisoner of War for five-and-a-half years, (oh, hadn't you heard?) and is permitted spells of flashback insanity from time-to-time, since he is such an earnest American Hero.

But wow, at least we have the best-looking tickets in our nation's memory. The stately Obama, a Derek Jeter with ears; Joe Biden with that Dudley Dooright smile; the peppery McCain, who, even with that weird jowl on his left side, still resonates that soldierly machismo; and of course, the Hottie Herself, Sarah Not Plain but Tall. Sarah the beauty pageant runner-up, the high school basketballer, the avid moose-hunter and right-wing ideologue. There must be something powerfully charismatic, though, for her to rise so quickly, and if she has less experience than Dan Quayle, I bet she's a lot smarter, and can spell too.

It says something about the Republican party's reading of the American electorate. If the concept of being led by a Presidential dimwit who'd only be fun at a barbecue has waned after eight terrible years ("Eight is Enough" is a good slogan, btw), then why not lower our standards even further and make the election an actual beauty pageant? Let Sarah wiggle her tush a bit and bring in those horny cowboys from the Western swing states, and the women who adore them and get knocked up, like Sarah's little girl. Well, at least Sarah's kid didn't use any of those immoral contraceptive doodads, she just let the Lord guide the sperm. Hallelujah.

Governor Palin will suffer from the lack of other political infighting on the political map and will have to endure the media's endless scrutiny and fascination with a new figure. Good luck. Will she pull in those Hillary PUMAs who still want a woman, no matter what? I'd tend to doubt it, but I have sad history of overestimating the public. One would hope that the Independents who are teetering between their presidential choices will see the Palin pick as a reckless ploy and edge back to Obama. And of course, the best argument the Republicans have against Obama, his inexperience, has been largely torpedoed by Palin's selection. That won't stop the propaganda machine, of course, even as I heard today McCain discussing how Obama was going to raise everyone's taxes, despite Obama's clear disavowal in his speech.

Wow, it's like the Old Chinese curse. We are living in Interesting Times. And speaking of the Chinese, was their Olympic show spectacular, or what? Putting aside the internal--and still distressing--political repression, they sure know how to harness their resources (read:people) to create a magnificent pageant. Beautiful and entirely intimidating. A friend of mine who recently visited Beijing said that it was "Capitalism run amok."

So the Olympic Finale was a pictoral peek at our future: Their combination of collectivist ideology mixed with capitalist ambition will of course eventually overwhelm us by the end of the century, because they are focused and educated, and we select people as our Governors and Vice Presidents because they are pretty.