By Any Other Name

I am a philappelatalist. I doubt this word actually exists in the OED but any etymologist could easily figure that it means "lover of names." All my life I've had an affinity for names and naming. I find satisfaction in the precise appellation, and believe that we are affected by the names we have been given. How many young men have been burdened by the name Irving or Myron? How much more difficult is it for a guy named Murray or Ichabod to get laid, as opposed to a Steve or a Hank? The problem may not be as acute for women, but I doubt Murgatroids and Myrtles get much action, and Petunias are destined, fittingly enough, to be wallflowers.

One of the laws I would enact if I Ruled the World would be to permit all young people an official self-redesignation at age 21. We're all stuck with indelible labels foisted upon us at birth by our parents, themselves often traumatized by the entire pregnancy/labor ordeal, and usually lacking clear judgment. At the risk of political correctness, I'll generalize that white parents are often far too conformist in their choices (Jacob and Emily have topped the charts for a decade) and African American parents are too often howlingly inappropriate, pulling names helter-skelter out of pharmacopias they find in hospital waiting rooms. (Lavoris! Ephedra! Streptococcus Washington!) I shouldn't complain though--to me it's all a source of cheap laughs.

I find special enjoyment in funny baseball names, for which there's a wealth of examples, especially now that the game has become Asianized and we can enjoy the likes of Seung Song and So Taguchi. Some lineups are becoming veritable Oriental menus, and I expect any day to see Johnny Kim-Chee and Shrimp Har-Kew as the battery for the Mariners. But I don't need Pacific overtures to get my name jollies. From our own continent we have Kevin Mench, J.J. Putz (pronounced Pootz, yeah, sure), Terry Tiffee, the appetizing Coco Crisp, Uggy Urbina, and my all-time favorite, the great Archimedes Pozo, who seems to have faded into the Mexican wilderness like Dick Diver vanishing into New York State in "Tender Is the Night." Apparently the bizarreness of their names has not affected these players' functioning, though I always wondered how former Yankee Mickey Kluttz dealt with fielding criticism.

This year my philappely has focused on team monikers. The universe is still chortling at the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (though it hasn't affected their performance). But you'll notice that most baseball teams are relatively macho or anthropomorphic. I still do not know what "Phillies" means, unless spelled with an F. They are in last place. The fact that three of the division leaders are the Angels, Cardinals and Padres suggests another sign of the Second Coming, a thought I'd rather not pursue. The As have become a bad team, and boring too, so maybe they should rename themseves the Zs.

Then there's the situation of my Rotisserie League, called the Showbiz League. Here we have a collection of privileged writers, producers and other purportedly creative types, who've been underwhelmingly unclever in the creation of their team names. Kevin (NOT his real name) and I took the moniker "Bronx Cheers" from the facts that we were both Yankee fans, Kevin hails from the Bronx, and a Bronx Cheer is a renowned New York expression of sarcastic contempt. It did us well along the way, while other teams, tired of their names, began to fiddle with changes. The most dramatic was when a team of historic also-ran status called the Holy Cowboys renamed themseves "Elvis" at the beginning of a season, to the distaste of most of the other competitors. The mood changed when Elvis went on to win the title.

The trend continued this year when "The Beserkers" rechristened themselves (literally) "Jesus." It made for an amusing auction and joke string on Website commentary. But the last laugh (Is It I, Lord?) seems to be going to Jesus, who Has Risen in the standings. As I watched the continued success of Elvis and Jesus I suggested jokingly to Kevin that perhaps the only way to pass them was to rename our team "The Beatles," recalling John Lennon's remark about the relative popularity of the Fab Four vs. the King of Kings. Kevin was highly amused at the suggestion, so for the fun of it, I inputted it onto the Website and put "Bronx Cheers" temporarily into mothballs. And wouldn't you know, since that day we have soared in fortune, leaping from tenth place to fifth in less than a week, passing Elvis and nipping on the heels of Jesus (if not washing his feet). Boy, the Beatles sure know how to climb the charts. I'd like to return to the Bronx Cheers at some juncture but not at the risk of jinxing our recent Fantasy fortune, or having to change the name of this Blog to Ric's Beatles, which has a proprietary feel that doesn't quite seem right.