That Cincing Feeling

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a festive Mexican holiday celebrating some victory of local Mexicans over European imperialism in the 1860s, either replacing or installing Maximillian as emperor. History largely doesn't give a damn, and it's not as though that triumph led to a century of political stability. Each year I observe this holiday by doing absolutely nothing, rather in the same way I celebrate Shavuous and Flag Day. Not even a margarita, though I wouldn't mind one at any time. On top of that, it's begun to rain again. In May! Apostasy! The meteorological gods are still trying to break the L.A. Basin's annual record rainfall, and we're within an inch. If we do, it will be small comfort. No awards ceremonies, no parades--except, of course, the one today being rained on down on Olvera Street.

Speaking of cinco--or stinko--we segue clumsily to the embodiment of stinko, my beloved Yankees. We're five weeks into the season and they are squirming in fourth place in their division, trying to fend off Tampa Bay. Their record is 10-16. They have lost six or seven series in a row, including three consecutive ones in Yankee Stadium. New York Times articles have begun to use words like "abominable," and justifiably. They are playing exactly as they did the last four games against the Red Sox in 2004--lethargic hitting, inconsistent starting pitching and extremely unreliable relief.

I suppose I should insert some caveats to total capitulation for the year. There is still 80% of the season to go. In 2003 the Yanks had as lame a month of May as they did this year's April, and still won over 100 games (though that was more of a correction after a 18-4 start). In 1995 they were six games under .500 practically at midseason, 34-40, and still managed to make the play-offs. The skills of some of their "younger" stars, such as Jeter, Matsui and Arod, are bound to kick in at some point. (Although Arod tends to contribute only when far ahead or far behind, cementing his status as Roto Whore). And they do have three quality starters, in Randy Johnson, Mike Mussina and Carl Pavano.

But, oh, the bad news. Free agent righty Jaret Wright threw his arm out again, and will no longer be dependable if and when he returns from the DL. Kevin Brown, who used to be a fine pitcher, got into the habit of giving up six runs in the first two innings against Boston last year and now is stuck in that groove. He is 0-4 and is costing Steinbrenner $15 million. Mussina's fast ball has slowed down like traffic on the 405 and he is now pretty mediocre, however intelligently he applies himself to crossword puzzles. Pavano has a .500 lifetime record and only one quality season to his name. Randy Johnson is off to an unimpressive Yankee career, providing gopher balls to startled batters, and now has pulled his groin and is missing starts. The team has been forced to prematurely promote two starters from the minors. The relief corps has been uniformly awful; even Rivera is struggling and looking like his magic has disappeared.

With pitching this rickety there is no chance that the Yanks will perform favorably this season, even if the line-up starts awakening. But as I feared in my worst-scenario projection of April 1, age is really telling on this team. The first base/DH tandem of Tino and Giambi is pretty unproductive. Giambi is hitting .208 and his only contributions have been walks. He did get beaned last night, sort of piling injury upon insult, but at this point we are getting enured to Yankee misfortune, rather the way the Republicans would have us ignore the daily carnage in Iraq. Ruben Sierra went down a while back with a torn bicep. Bernie Williams, a team hero for so long, is about as fit to play center field as Carol Channing is to be a Charlie's Angel. He can't throw any more, so he's been benched, in favor of Tony Womack, a 35-year-old second baseman who's hardly ever played the outfield. Jorge Posada, the most underrated of Yankee stars from this era, is evincing signs of mid-'30s catcher fatigue, and is also hitting like shit. On top of that, Jeter has stopped stealing bases and even Hideki Matsui seems to have lost his batting eye. Every squad the Yanks meet seems younger, swifter, more eager to win. Imperial Rome is being sacked by the Huns and Mongols.

There is a commercial currently airing for a nutritional supplement aimed at athletes. The footage depicts the disturbing image of a healthy runner suddenly disintegrating into small pieces of rubble, like a statue being blasted by a high intensity laser. That iconography of crumbling pretty much conveys what has happened to the Yankee juggernaut. Unfortunately it will take more than a few roster moves or free agent signings to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.