What Would Jesus Drive?

Well, the experts have spoken again. The Vatican-sponsored Pontifical Council for Migrants and Travelers has issued ten commandments for good drivers, and a DMV manual it is not. Since there was nothing in the New Testament about motoring etiquette, not even a passage from 2500 years ago to misinterpret as religionists do so well, some modern experts were recruited to take up the slack. Recognizing that the PCMT consists primarily of Italians, I don't have to say that my tongue is firmly in my cheek as I deconstruct their Holy Admonitions about traffic dos-and-don'ts.

1. You shall not kill. Well, okay, but a rip-off of the original, and Moses isn't around to sue.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. I guess that means you can chew wafers and sip wine, but stay under the legal limit.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Yes, that and adjusting your side-view mirror.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. But don't give actual first-aid, especially if you're a doctor, cause you'll be sued for sure.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. This is all Vatican code for penis stuff. Anyone who lives in California knows the size of a car is inversely proportional to size of the male driver's penis. As for sin, well, try and stop a billion teen-agers from using the back seat for, um, private matters.

6. Charitably convince the young and the not so young not to drive when they are not in fitting condition to do so. Can't argue with that, but what does charity have to with it?

7. Support the families of accident victims. A nice thought, but vague. Do they mean with money, with a shoulder to cry on, what? And what if they have no insurance? Isn't that their bad, then?

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. And while we're at it, let's gather all the Shiites and Sunnis in a Mosque and have them play bingo.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. I think this means keep a wide swath away from hybrids if you're the shmuck in the SUV.

10. Feel responsible toward others. This certainly was not a codicil added by members of the legal profession or any insurance company, who ask you to do precisely the opposite and NEVER ACCEPT FAULT.

Not meaning to be a total cynic, and even acknowledging the benign nature of the aforementioned guidelines, I suppose I owe my two readers my own list of much more mundane rules for the road. So from the top of my head, here they are:

1. Put away the fucking cell phone!

2. Don't buy an SUV.

3. If you have an SUV, don't complain about gas prices.

4. Allow two cars to go left at the turn of the signal.

5. Move into the intersection if you are going to go left to allow other cars to go past you.

6. Wave or otherwise acknowledge another driver's courtesy.

7. Signal all turns and changes of lanes.

8. If someone signals they want to change lanes, let them and do not drive past them.

9. You may use the isolation of a car environment to scream and vent rage, but do not let that influence your driving.

10 Park inside the lines.

How much better a world it would be if people followed my rules. But I'm not the Pope.