Yeah, I'm Sure This Is What Jesus Would Do

They're at it again, those pesky spokesmen for God, the Almighty's self-designated agents who know and interpret his "Word" so accurately. In this case they are embodied in Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition of America and host of the "700 Club," that messianic version of "The Tonight Show." According to the Rev. Robertson, the President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, who says unflattering things about President Bush, ought to be assassinated. Robertson's reasoning was indirect; among the claims of the contrary Mr. Chavez is that the CIA wants to assassinate him, so Pat thinks we may as well do it and save ourselves the inconvenience of war.

How very pragmatic of him, not to mention nobly humanitarian. Frankly, until this morning I'd never heard of President Chavez or knew that Venezuela was applying to the Axis of Evil. As far as being war opponents, they're just gonna have to stand behind Iraq, Iran and those zany pooch-swallowing North Koreans. If we chop off the head of the Venezuelan snake then we have to worry just a little less about rounding up enough troops to man a South American Front in the War on Global Extremist Terror Bush Haters, or whatever this week's Orwellian term will be for our military adventurism. And not far behind is China, who will stop being useful after they lose interest in buying U.S. Treasuries and start pointing their gunboats toward Taiwan. Anybody interested in whacking Hu?

I always thought if there was a potentially insidious country in South America, it would be Argentina, where leftover Nazis could be priming their secret cells for another go at world Jewry. I guess that's why Robertson would prefer to leave them alone. Chile, too, that paragon of Freedom. Well, Venezuela is the leading oil exporter in the Western Hemisphere, and I betcha Rev. Robertson commutes in a big fat SUV and has the gas tank blues. This all figures.

But Robertson, besides being another theological descendent of Torquemada, is a little loony with his history. He assumes that just because the CIA could assassinate Salvador Allende it can proceed eaily with any other high-level hits. If that were the case we couldn't still have Castro around, or Saddam, or Kaddafi, or Bin Laden. Like our President, he suffers a certain disconnect from reality. Besides, where has it ever been demonstrated that bringing about the death of a Head of State automatically turns that government into a freedom-loving, country-music humming puppet of American interests? Hey, most of these regimes, however corrupt and unstable, still have sufficient infrastructure to replace one mercurial leader with another. And, despite what neo-Cons like to think, our sledge-hammer approach to spreading democracy at the point of a howitzer does not endear ourselves to native populations.

I would like somebody then to explain the difference between the pious Rev. Robertson advocating political murder and the psycho mullahs of extreme Islam who declare fatwas against all Americans, Jews and novelists who don't show appropriate respect for Koranic verses. Oh, that's right. God is on his side, I forgot.