Idol Thoughts

The pathetic Schiavo watch continues; the latest Federal ruling, this time from Atlanta, still backs the husband's legal position, as the protesters barrage Terry's hospice with symbolic flasks of water. Next stop for Terry's determined folks is the Supreme Court, where Justice Rehnquist can reemerge for one last time, ironically popping off his purported deathbed. If this appeal doesn't work, well, there is the aforementioned Constitutional Amendment; lacking that, the Republican Congress may defer its power to the Pope, who can also relate to the near-death condition. But better hurry guys; times a wastin', as of course is Terry's mortal coil. Interestingly, I read an article in the paper today maintaining that death by total starvation and dehydration is actually less painful and direr than most demises, according to nurses interviewed in several hospices.

Which brings me to "American Idol," our country's other current obsession. (Wow, what a culture! Les francais have to be rolling les yeux!) This is the first season I've taken to watching this cultural cobblestone, which continues to rise in popularity despite its repetitious formula and predictability. Today's other-than-Schiavo news relates a couple of "Idol" scandals. For one, former winner Ruben Stoddard is being sued by his manager; but his fortunes have been on the downward slope since he edged out Clay. Next stop for him is a costarring role with Kirstie Alley on her "Fat" series. This on the heels of the mysterious withdrawal of this year's favorite, sassy Mario Vazquez from New York. Some careless vetting there, or perhaps a wise agent suggesting Mario could do better without the shackles of an "Idol" contract.

More egregious is the discovery last night that three of the telephone numbers for the national vote were posted in error, negating the validity of the results, and causing the show to be rerun tonight to initiate a totally new election. This is sad, sad news for Fox, to be forced to air an extra episode of the nation's #1 Neilsen hit. I won't be watching, though I must admit to being entertained by last night's version. This is a perfect Republican type of show--mindless, but beautifully packaged. The colorful sets and exciting backdrops work to enhance the performances, which, with one exception, were all top-flight. The singers have received telling professional guidance and some excellent makeovers (rendering "Idol" a sort of portmanteau of "Star Search" and "The Swan") and could (and probably will) earn contracts, even if they end up in Branson, Missouri. I was especially moved by Scott Savol, who resembles a kind of ugly David Wells, but sings with such sweet authority that I was almost moved to pick up my phone and dial him in (an act which would have proved fruitless anyway). The big loser was the intense JAP Micallah Gordon, who narrowly squeaked by last week and will certainly be axed this week for her mumbling serenade. Tonight's voting recount is largely unnecessary.

Also unnecessary is the core element of the show, the three-person judging panel, which always stops the show dead and makes me writhe in discomfort. Randy makes a few innocuous comments, Paula falls all over herself and her table in enthusiasm, and then there's Simon. And everything Simon says is so excrutiating, it's like being trapped in an elevator with a one-night stand you promised to call back. I know these folks were necessary for the elimination rounds (though that duty is mostly done by staff producers anyway), but the final judgements are made by the viewers. So what if Randy, Paula and Simon were axed themselves? We'd be left with a series of high-gloss enthusiastic performers introduced by the innocuous but inoffensive Ryan Seacrest. The show could be scaled down to 40 minutes of music, like VH1. True, this would force us to watch a few more Cingular ads than we might like, as well as promos for the follow-up show, "House," which is not about a weekly home renovation but a doctor.

Hmmm. Which brings me around to the question much of America might be asking today-- What would Dr. House have to say about Terry Schiavo?